If you are reading this, my bout of “Internet Impotence” is
over.
Back a loooooong time ago (January), I had access to the
Internet just like regular people do. I
checked email. I looked up stuff
(thanks, Wiki!). I bought things. I downloaded porn and gambled all da…errr, I
checked my stock portfolio.
Then, we moved, and all hell broke loose.
We took our time moving from the old house in Seaside to the
new house in Warren, and during all the back-and-forth time we kept our phone
line and Internet connection in Seaside.
We used that connection to go online to find out which provider would
best serve our needs in the new house – CenturyLink (which we had in Seaside
and hated), and Comcast/Xfinity, the service nearly everyone in our new neighborhood
has. We quickly discovered that to both
providers, we didn’t exist.
Having a new address meant not being in the database,
apparently, and this complicated matters.
I had no idea how much. I figured that the idea of “new address” wasn’t
foreign, especially where we moved to, as there was new construction all around
in our little burg (Warren is now considered “highly desirable” in the real
estate ads. Who knew?). CenturyLink even had a little “is this a new
address” button on their “request info” page on their website, but this didn’t
seem to help much.
Eventually, I had to make phone calls. I explained the situation to both Comcast and
CenturyLink, that we had a new house, wanted phone and Internet, and that all
of our neighbors had Comcast service and loved it (OK, I left that last part
out when I called CenturyLink). So what
could I get and how much did it cost?
CenturyLink decided that even if I didn’t show up in their
system I and even if I didn’t ask about DirecTV, THAT’S what they wanted to
sell me, regardless. After all, I’d get
savings by bundling services I didn’t want and something something blah blah
gift card that I’d never use and can we sign you up today? Three times I had to explain to a somewhat
bored customer service rep that I only wanted information, not action, and not
TV, and only Internet and local phone. And she came right back with another
offer that included unlimited long distance and DirecTV with HBO. “YOU’RE NOT LISTENING,” I said (rather
loudly). Eventually I got some numbers
and thanked her. It was as expensive as
I figured it would be, so I assumed I’d be like all my neighbors and switch to
Comcast.
The response I got from Comcast was…curious. “You’re not in our system,” they explained
after I told them that I wasn’t in their system when I tried to get information
online. “It could be that we don’t
service that area.” I explained that my
neighbors to the east, south, north, and west all had Comcast, and since there
weren’t any directions left, I assumed I could get Comcast, too. They weren’t as certain as I, and said they
had to talk to engineering and get back to me.
Two days later, they got back to me. Seems that when they dug to lay their fiber
optic line, they blew right past our property, assuming that since every other
piece of property had a home on it, there was no reason to think that ours
would someday as well, so they skipped us.
Sure, we could dig a trench to lay a new line to your house, they
offered, but there would be an expense.
Since I just built a new house and had underground utilities installed,
I was no stranger to the process.
I was, however, not familiar with their idea of what it
cost. About eleven grand.
Now like I said, I just built a house and had underground
utilities put in. I PAID to have
trenches dug, both on the property and under the street. I KNOW what I paid for THAT, and it was
nowhere near $11K. Seeing that they had
no further obligation to me other that this “up yours” offer, I passed. Sigh.
Time to call CenturyLink again.
This time I got a helpful, cheerful customer assistant
person who gave me a completely (lower) set of prices for my services, so I
agreed online to have them come out and install both the local line and a line
for Internet. The Internet speed they
quoted was twice as fast as what the first rep told me (and 4x what I had in
Seaside), so even though it was nowhere near as fast as Comcast’s fiber line,
it was still faster that what I could actually get from Comcast (nada) and it
came with their “Price for Life Guarantee.” However, they have to give you two
lines for some reason, most likely so they can send you two bills and then jack
the rate on the line not covered by the guarantee. Yes, I am cynical about that.
Still, it seemed like I was halfway home, and then the rep
asked me if my contractor had installed a line and taken it to the end of the
property. I was ready for this, because
I knew he had and he actually showed me where it was located. “Sure did, and there’s a box at the end of
the property next to the neighbor’s driveway with the wires all ready to go,” I
told him. “That’s great, because we have
a junction box at the end of the driveway, too, and that will make hookup an
easy thing,” he replied. He then gave me
the schedules for installation (two lines, two separate trips), but still,
progress.
That was back in February.
When CenturyLink installer #1 came out to install the phone line, he saw
our line, saw their junction box, and noticed a problem. Our line did in fact
extend to the end of our property, as it should. Their box was in fact located at the end of
the neighbor’s driveway.
On the other side of the driveway.
This meant that another trench would have to be dug, and the
good news is that it wouldn’t cost anything (since CenturyLink is a public
utility, I guess). Before I tell you
about that, let me tell you that five days later a second CenturyLink installer came out to install the Internet
line. As if no one told her about
CenturyLink installer #1 and the need to dig a trench. Because no one did. And this is a “communications company,”
remember. She confirmed what I already
knew, that they’d need to dig a trench to extend the line.
About that – like I said, the good news was that it wouldn’t
cost me eleven thousand. Wouldn’t cost
me a dime. But you know the old saying,
“time is money.” That, it would cost me,
because to dig that trench could take forever.
And did.
First off, they said they had to get a permit to dig from
Columbia County. As I mentioned above, I
just built a home here, so I know something about how long it takes to get a
permit here. When CenturyLink installer
#1 said the whole thing shouldn’t take but 2-3 weeks, I nodded and said, “Sure.” Inside my head, I said, “In your
dreams.” Because while “Columbia County
Time” isn’t exactly “Island Time,” it’s damn close.
After three weeks, I called for an update, and was told
“well, we just got the permit.” More
time elapsed and another update told me that it was scheduled to be done before
the end of the month. That would make it
just over five weeks, not 2-3 weeks, and here’s the spoiler alert, they didn’t
make that either.
In the meantime, I was getting online in the most haphazard
way for short spells. When we were “in
town” we’d stop at the public library to borrow their wifi, and we’d steal some
time in a coffee shop doing likewise, but it was a real pain. We’d save up what we’d need to buy/check/etc.
online, then try to do it all in the 30-minite window we were connected, then
go home and remember we forgot stuff and couldn’t get online again until a
couple more days.
Except…we still had an internet connection at our old
house. We kept the phone hookup active,
just in case we needed something when we were there cleaning up and getting the
place ready to sell. It was two hours
from home, but it was a chance to get online and catch up.
Well, it was.
On one trip to the
old house I emailed my ISP asking about my options in keeping just my email
account going until I could switch everything over to another account once we
were connected at the new house. They somehow
interpreted this to mean CUT EVERYTHING OFF RIGHT NOW! I was in the
middle of ordering something for the new house when I noticed I was no longer
connected to the internet. I went through the standard routine - reboot
modem, reboot computer – still nothing. I went to do some outside work on
the house and came back an hour later, and…still no internet. So I called
Tech Support (where I already have a black asterisk next to my name – that’s a
long story for another time) and after being put on hold for a VERY LONG time the
tech came back to tell me that they had cut me off, and that getting me
reconnected was a long and difficult (and pretty much impossible) process.
I said “thank you” (well, it kinda sounded like “thank you”) and that was
that.
Oh, he did say that
I still had access to my email account for the rest of the month, and I could
access it…if I could get online somewhere. I found out later that they
did notify me and made me an offer to keep just the email for a year for $30.
That notification
was sent by email, of course.
So now I had no connection at home and I was at the mercy of
the library and their available hours (and no gambling or porn, of course), and
getting madder by the day. Finally, on
March 29 (five full weeks after the initial visit by CenturyLink installer #1),
an official-looking truck rolls up my driveway.
It’s a technician for the excavating company sub-contracted by
CenturyLink that will be digging the trench.
He says that they’re scheduled to do the dig on April 1 (an ominous day
if there ever was one), and all that he’s doing is marking the street for where
the dig is to be (which, I should point out that this was already done five weeks ago by CenturyLink installer
#1). Because he was paid by the hour, or
maybe by the number of spray paint cans used, he re-marked the locations in a
different color than CenturyLink installer #1.
It looked lovely.
Later, I was curious, so I called the number on the business
card he left to see if, in fact, they would dig when he said they would, which
would be the last day in order to make the deadline promised to me in the last
update I got from CenturyLink. You no
doubt realize that I was not to be disappointed, in the sense that I already
knew they wouldn’t dig then, and I was right.
No, they still had to send out the “locator” before the dig, but the dig
was scheduled for April 4, so no doubt the locator would be at my place on
Monday or Tuesday. Still curious, I
asked why the process had taken so long.
I was told, “Well, we just found about it ourselves last week, and we
fit it into our schedule as soon as we could.”
Seems CenturyLink kicked it around their offices, higher-up,
mucky-mucks, and assorted departments for 4 ½ weeks before deciding that, yeah,
I guess we should honor that part of the letter we sent Mr. Exinger when we
claimed,
“We are excited
for you to being using and enjoying CenturyLink products.”
Now, I don’t want to get too far ahead of my story, but
damn…the locator WAS there on Monday, and they DID dig the trench on April 4
and so I called CenturyLink to let them know this. And you know what?
They had no idea that the trench had been dug, claiming that
all they knew was
(a) the home phone account work order had a “hold” on it for
some reason, and
(b) the internet work order was…cancelled?
“Can that be right?” the customer service rep said. “Um,
wait a minute. Let me go speak with my
supervisor.”
“Before you do that,” I said, “please know that it’s been
SIX WEEKS since I was promised phone and internet service, and as you might
guess, I am just a little PO’d right
about now.”
“Oh. Would you
hold?” Like I had a choice.
Seven excruciating minutes later I was given the choice of
9am-1pm or 1pm-5pm on the next business day, and lo and behold, they actually
came at 8:50am! The home phone was first
be connected, and about a hour later I saw the technician rise from her spot
outside, and the phone rang! She’s
testing, I thought, so I quickly answered the phone.
It was a robocall about my chronic pain. Seriously?
We’re live for less than a minute, and we get a robocall?
Ain’t technology grand?
