Testing, 1, 2, 3…4…5…

I put off writing about this for a while, partly because I wanted to see how it all turned out.  Turns out the ending isn’t exactly what I hoped for, but it’s still a good story and parts of it are funny and there’s a moral or two at the end, so…here goes.

First, let’s get the shitty part of the story over with.  The ending.  And that is…I have “low risk” prostate cancer.

I knew something was wrong; that’s why all the tests, five in all (hence, the title).  I wasn’t worried too much then, and I’m still not all that worried.  My doctor and I have a strategy (active surveillance), and I plan to be here for a long time.  Chill.

So, how’d this come about?

Back in November, I had an “incident.”  Those of you who have known me for a while know I’ve always had a small bladder problem (in that I have a small bladder).  This problem escalated when my prostate grew, as is common in most older men.  I’m always careful when we leave the house to “go before we go,” but in this case we hadn’t been on the road but five minutes when the urge came a callin’ and…I didn’t make it.  Hurt like hell, too.  And an hour later the same urgency hit, and this time, there was blood in my urine.

I’m not a paranoid guy, but I know when I should call the doctor, and this was one of those times.  He listened to the story and said it could be this or that, but to be sure I should see a specialist.

Flounder, Doctor, Newman, Camera, TV

One of these guys is my urologist, Dr. Woldrich.  He’s a brilliant man, with impeccable professional credentials and a very interesting background (volunteer work in foreign lands, etc.).  I am happy to say I feel that I am in good hands, except for the fact that I know where those hands are going.

Fellow poker players – remember back in 2003, how exciting it was to watch the World Series of Poker and FINALLY be able to see the players’ hole cards thanks to the new technology of the “lipstick” camera.  Naturally, technology has evolved and cameras are smaller than ever.  Back in 2010 I had a colonoscopy so I know about camera up my whosits, but until now I’ve never had one up my whatsits.  That was a new one on me (or, rather, in me), and by the way, numbing jel my ass.

And it didn’t work on my ass, either.

Painful as it was, it was necessary.  Thanks to the “Four Ms” (the Marvels of Modern Medicine, and Medicare), we were able to rule out so many different possibilities.  Still, we didn’t know what caused the initial problem until this last test, a prostate biopsy.  Several samples were taken, and a few were cancerous.  Not many, and it doesn’t appear to be aggressive, or spread anywhere else.  Chances something bad will happen are just 1 in a 100.  With active surveillance, we’ll keep testing and watching and if things go south, change our strategy.

The morals of this story are simple.  First: get checked, dammit.  My dad had esophageal cancer, and died from it.  He should have seen a doctor long before he did, but kept putting it off and putting it off.  When he finally saw someone, it was too late.

The other moral is that I realize, as you should, too, that health care is very expensive.  I shudder to think what I would have had to choke up if Medicare did not cover all of this.  Worse yet, there’s a moment when I realize that at certain times in my life I would have had to be like my dad and put off seeing someone simply because I couldn’t afford it. (Full disclosure: He could have, so that wasn’t the excuse.  Just stubborn).

The good news is that I’ve healed from this last procedure, and “all systems are normal.”  The plumbing for all functions is working normally, thank you, and I know Dr. Woldrich will ensure that I’ll be able to know whether I’m coming or going for a long time to come.